We all have those days in our lives that are so meaningful and impactful that they can either make us or break us. Certain dates are embedded into our minds because of such significance, and I am about to share mine. I hope by sharing this story people will seek refuge and help because life is so incredible. For any of those who have been affected by suicide, please know this is written with the best intention, to help others overcome what they’re dealing with. What I am about to share is something personal and I am lucky to still be alive. No matter how DEEP the despair is, your life matters. And if I could tell you one thing it is YOU’RE. NEVER. ALONE.
August 11, 2017
“Where in the world am I?” I asked myself. “Why am I in a hospital bed with beeping machines monitoring me, an IV in my arm, and loved ones surrounding me?” What in the world happened? Delirious, confused, scared, and having no idea what was happening with me and wondering why I had so many machines connected to me was one of the scariest moments of my life. I couldn’t get words out. I woke up and all I could see was the bright light above my hospital bed with the voices of my brother, Jackson, and best friend, Bobby. The beeping machines wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t understand what they were saying to me. I couldn’t even muster out any words to ask them what happened. I was scared to death.
As the hours passed my consciousness slowly came back and my memory started to clear up. As soon as I came back to reality, I looked around for a second and saw Jackson and Bobby. When I saw their faces, I couldn’t help but start to cry. I knew exactly what had happened and what I had done earlier that morning. Never in my life had I ever thought I would get to that point in life where I didn’t want to live. After finally coming to the realization of what I had done hours before in the early morning, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I couldn’t deny it. As hard as it is to accept the truth, I tried taking my life and wanted to sleep forever.
Well, what now? The worst day in my entire life just happened. I was blinded to the reality of how many people loved me and cared for my well-being. I was constantly consumed in my own thoughts and lost in my own head. People were constantly reaching out to me. People cared and wanted to help me. But why didn’t I hear them? At this point I didn’t even know where my own mind was. I was imprisoned in my own thoughts and was completely lost in depression.
I want EVERYONE to know there IS a way out. If you are struggling with mental health issues that you feel you’re incapable of overcoming, KEEP PUSHING FORWARD and SEEK HELP! I am extremely lucky and fortunate to be alive. From that day on I promised myself I’d get back to my old self. I want to help and serve others and never get to that point in life again. My mission and goal now is to do whatever I can to help those who are struggling with those same thoughts and feelings. I understand each situation is different, but please feel open and free to tell your story with me. I wish I could respond to each message individually, but sometimes it just isn’t possible. Just know I read all of my messages and it inspires me with future blog posts. I know sometimes it helps just to write it out to someone. I read your messages and I care, just like so many people do. Don’t ever hesitate to share and open up.
There is a way out. It is different for every person. When you are crying out for help, please talk to a loved one and tell them exactly what you are feeling. This whole mental health stigma needs to be broken.
Advice to listeners: Listen with love and don’t try to fix the problem. Sometimes people reaching out just need someone that will listen to them without judgement.
I can make you a PROMISE that there is a way out. No matter how high the mountain may seem, you’ve got people believing in you every step of the way. Sometimes all it takes is just a little belief in yourself. You have been given a time to come to this earth and have a body. I truly believe our potential is endless and is so personalized to every one of us. Create your story. You are bound only by the expectations you put on yourself.
Ask yourself these 2 questions:
- What is Failure?
- What is Potential?
After you answer these questions. Evaluate where you are at in life right now.
Whether genetic depression or situational depression, there are professionals who can help. I have seen 3 different therapists and have one life coach. All therapists are professionals at their work, but sometimes it takes time finding the right therapist for you personally. Find someone you connect with and can talk openly to. It might not be the first therapist you see that you have that connection. You might have to go see 2-3 just to find out what works for you.
That day is a part of my story. A big part of my story that I am grateful for now. There are things I have learned now that have helped me understand steps I should have taken before that August day that I didn’t. Where I am at now from where I was then is a night and day difference. In future posts I will share how I overcame depression and anxiety. It was hard. It was exhausting. It was uncomfortable. I hated some days. Biggest thing I learned, small steps lead to things you could never imagine happening.
Remember, this is my experience and everything written on my blog is my own opinion and my own story. Find what works for you but hopefully what I write will save at least one life. Your life matters.